Oh, sh*t. I have to clean this tiny apartment myself?! Yes, your mother doesn’t work here.

This is probably going to be one of the quickest blog posts in the history of this blog, which of course is a 4-month history.  I’m in a major state of panic (although on the outside you wouldn’t know it — yes, I keep it all inside).

I’m taking a break from a whirlwind of cleaning and organizing in preparation for house guests — who I’ll hereby identify as “The Sequel”.  As excited as I am to have this bonding experience, once it hit me this past weekend that I had only one more full weekend before their arrival, I knew I needed to get cracking.

Note: This is not going to stop me from hanging out this weekend, so you clearly know where my priorities are…a girl still needs to have a little fun. So, come Saturday afternoon to Saturday night, all cleaning will be paused. 

Okay, back to the story…

As I stood in my living room…as soon as I stood in my bedroom…as soon as I stood in my kitchen, my one thought:

Oh, sh*t.  I have to clean this tiny apartment myself?!  Yes, your mother doesn’t work here.

I might be a (relatively) clean and tidy person with slight O.C.D., but this Brainy Pint Sizer hasn’t done the mop, bucket, floor polish, paper sorting, de-cluttering in…well, a long, l-o-n-g, loooong time.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph…I have no idea how I’m going to get through this.

My initial plan:

  • Phase 1 — The bedroom
  • Phase 2 — The kitchen and the bathroom
  • Phase 3 — The living room, dining area and entrance hallway

Well, after seeing all of what’s in front of me, it is Balls to the Wall — no B/S.  All those planned phases are out the window.  I’m now in the midst of an all out, full on, mad dash to the finish, and I may not make it.

  • I’m throwing out paper, plastics, bags.  Yep, I still have bags — remember this post?
  • I have bags filled with papers for shredding, and I plan on waking up early on Saturday morning to head to one of the County drop off locations where they’ve arranged for one of those shredding trucks to be present for several hours.
  • I’m moving furniture.  I already moved my bed, which was no easy feat.  Almost broke my d*mn back but that bed was going to moved even if I had cry through the whole bloody 38-minute episode.  Yes, it took me that long.
  • I’ve been hunting for days for storage furniture.  Finally, I’ve settled on IKEA.  Do you know how hard it is to find storage furniture???  I’ll tell you how hard:  Hella hard!  I have spent hours searching online, especially since we’re dealing with a New York-sized apartment here.  This ain’t the American South with 6,000 square feet of space plus bonus room, plus media room, plus sitting room — where nobody sits.  I’d be lucky if this abode was 500 square feet!  So, after I do my shredding drop off on Saturday morning, I’m heading to Paramus, New Jersey.  (And you know how difficult that is for me.  I don’t like going to New Jersey.  It’s so far away from everything!)  Once I’m done in Jersey, then, it’s back home for me before my late afternoon/early Saturday evening hang out.

T-minus six days before “The Sequel” arrive.  If this cleaning doesn’t kill me, I don’t know what will.

I need a maid and STAT.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I’m running out of time.

Now, what the h*ll do I do with all these heels?!  Hmmmm…I know.  I’ll take some of them to the office (because of course, my office doubles as a secondary location for personal shoe storage).

Group therapy may be on the agenda…Is there such a thing as SMA: Social Media Anonymous?

I had to write this post.  I don’t usually make more than two blog posts in a week, but this is too important.

On Thursday night, I called my soon-to-be-graduating-from-college cousin*, who’s young enough to be my child (*stifling the sobs*) — so she’s that generation we’re always talking about in the press…you know, Gen Y — the ones who “friend” their colleagues/co-workers on Facebook (bad idea)…the ones who expect a “work-life” balance (really?)…and the ones who are more open about all things to do with their lives than an open book (not kidding).  After our call, I was supposed to do something simple: Go to bed.

Hours later, that’s just what I did.

There are too many distractions!

See, I’m from a generation who knows what it’s like to have one television channel.  (I’m not from these parts originally.)  I also know what it’s like to have only a handful of radio stations.  And since I’m on a roll, I also know what it’s like to only have access to recorded music using records, a.k.a vinyl, and a record player — yep, a record player with two speeds:  33 1/3 (thirty-three and a third) and 45 (forty-five).  I also know what it’s like to be overjoyed when my uncle, a.k.a. “Car Collector” (from the Southern Branch of La Familia) would play his 8-Tracks.  (If you’re reading this and wondering what the heck is an 8-Track and how it works…do a search on Google – and when you’re done, submit a message to this blog in 140 characters or less on the wonders of 8-Track…The best creative submission wins a featured profile written by yours truly on this Brainy blog.  You’re a star in the making, yes you are…)

So, where was I?  Yes, distractions.  Life was so simple way, way, wayyyyyyy back when.  H*ll, life was so simple only 20 years ago when the Internet was nothing  like it is today.  Now…

  • I’m on the BlackBerry
  • I’m on my laptop (and I also have a desktop)
  • I’m reading my Nook

I’ve been late to work because I left my BlackBerry at home and returned to retrieve it (I’ve done the same thing when I’ve left it at the office–walking all the way back from Grand Central Terminal).  It’s like an appendage.  I’m in a stomach-churning panic if I don’t have it on me.  I’m not kidding.  My life is on that 2″ by 1-1/2″ electronic device.  I have notes.  I use the calendar to keep track of where I need to be and when.  I use the task feature.  My e-mails are routed to the thing.  I have my music.  I have pictures, videos.  (BTW, I also write things down on paper, so again, this O.C.D. thing is a real problem.)

I was up until 3:00 a.m….

  • Writing a blog post
  • Surfing the Web (for God knows what — just stuff)
  • Reading blog posts from those who I follow
  • Texting
  • Tweeting (not only from the BlackBerry but also from the laptop)
  • Listening to music on the CD player
  • Watching television (CNN, BBC, Boomer & Carton, etc., etc.)

My eyes were burning when I woke up 4 1/2 hours later.

Group therapy may be on the agenda…Is there such a thing as SMA: Social Media Anonymous?

C’mon!  I know I’m not the only one tied to electronic devices!  I guess I’m not too bad because I don’t own an iPod or an iPad and I’m not on Facebook (If you fainted, I hope you’re not alone so someone can call 911 — yep, I’m standing firm on those three).

So, fess up, come clean, tell me:  Are you too plugged in?  (Don’t worry, only you and I and like a dozen people who read this blog would know.)

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Oh sh*t!  I totally forgot I had chai tea brewing on the stove (of course, while I’m typing this blog post) and the d*mn thing boiled over!…Oh great.

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*My cousin is on the hunt for a full-time job.  Please, if anyone has any leads, let me know.  She’s a Communications major, has interned at great places, and not only is she in school, she has two jobs.  (She’s got West Indian blood in her.  Remember “In Living Color” here and here?)  So, entry-level, an “assistant” or “junior coordinator” position in media/communications/PR in NYC — preferably — or DC would be perfect.  BTW, I’ll warn you now: If you contact me with leads and I don’t know you–know you, you will be checked out.  I have lots of ways of doing so, and I also know people who know many in law enforcement.  So, don’t be someone looking for fame.  You’ll regret it.  She’s my cousin and anyone who knows me, knows one thing: Don’t mess with me.  Don’t mess with my family.  Truth.

My Laptop: My Downfall