Photo Credit: freeHDwallpapers.in

With what amounted to 12 days away from the office, I wasn’t necessarily ready to return  to the daily grind on Wednesday, but at some point, I’d have to.  Better to treat it as a Band-Aid and ripping it off, rather than peeling it off slowly, right?   It made no sense to delay the inevitable by putting it off until the second week of January.

Unfortunately,  a dark cloud from 2012 followed me right into the new year.  Things are already tense in the office with one of the chief executives.  So incredibly tense that I thought to myself:

The writing’s on the wall.  I’m not sure I’m going to have a job for long here — and they may just let me go.

It’s almost too difficult put it out into the universe because I have this fear that if I put it out there, it will come.

It’s no secret how I feel about my ex-bosses, both of whom held the position I hold as chief marketing person.  They got away with a whole lotta sh*t.  I’ll just leave it at that because if I say anymore, it will be vicious.  Anyway, after yet another tense exchange with said executive, I was just sick to my stomach.  How many times do I have go through dealing with someone who feels they have all the answers?  How many times must I have someone tell me what I know to be true isn’t?  How many times do I have feel like the job that I’m supposed to be doing has watered down to pretty much being a glorified f*cking secretary?  I feel my worth is like the worst currency.  I feel no trust.  None.  I’m not given respect as a professional with experience in a particular area, I’m just their go-to-gal that they have to do what they say when they say that gets paid — no questions asked.  Sh*t, only a whore works like that.  I’m not walking around with an advanced degree trying to be a whore.  I sacrificed too much to put myself through school for this craziness.

During a texting exchange with a cousin about the overall problems I was facing at the office, it brought up memories of the numerous all-nighters I pulled while pursuing my degrees.  Unlike the execs I’m working for who seem to know it all and are so desperate to chip away at my spirit and are determined to show me up in front of other execs to boost their egos, The West Indian Mother could not afford to assist with educational expenses — although she supported in many other ways.  I worked full time.  I went to school full-time.  I would never, ever suggest doing that.  It practically killed me.  You have zero time for friends, none to take care of yourself, you’re basically existing, going through the motions, like on autopilot.  But, I was possessed and determined.  I was a nightmarish Type A New Yorker.  And I need to put up with this sh*t?  There has got to be another way!

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I’ve been struggling with my updating my resume — absolutely struggling.  I refuse to use a resume service.  Hundreds of dollars and I don’t care what they say, it isn’t worth it.  The dollars I have in my pocket are the dollars I’m going to keep.  I plunk down hundreds of dollars, then what?  Does it guarantee a job?  No. It doesn’t even guarantee someone would even respond to the resume for me to even get an interview.  Trust me.  If there’s anything the last five years has taught me, there are a lot of extremely qualified individuals out there with say, 90%+ of what a company would have jumped at 6 – 10 years ago, but now turn up their noses because they don’t have everything.  Companies can’t be bothered to train prospective employees or waste time for them to get through a learning curve no matter how small.  Yes, I realize these times are tough for employees and employers, and the money isn’t flowing like it used to, but c’mon, you want me to work for how much less???  How do I pay for the roof over my head and the utility bills?  I’m not taking frivolous purchasing, I’m talking about basic living expenses.  I still need to get to work?  How do I pay for transportation?  You want me to do more with less both at work and in life, but I look around and there are still many at the top, including executives I work for, with their “homes in the country” and two annual vacations, and their wives staying home?  GTFOOH.  Ridiculous.

The hope I had about working with a career coach, well, that fizzled as quickly as it came.  I contacted the woman, we had what I thought was a great 30-minute conversation, she promised to send me an e-mail with information about, among other things, her rates.  I’m still waiting.  So, I’ve decided to reach out to an industry colleague who just a few weeks ago started a new job.  Her ability to get a job that had nothing to do with temporary retail work for the holidays is inspiring.  There is hope. Yes, there is.  Maybe she could give me pointers.

I’m holding off on contacting my industry mentor.  There’s no way I could arrange a follow-up meeting without showing up with a revised resume based on the thoughts she’d suggested during our first meeting  now months ago pre-Hurricane Sandy.  Also, the last thing I need right now is yet another person saying, “You really need to get out of there.”  Um, yes, I know.  I’m trying.  Saying that to a person feels like salt in the wound after the 100th time.  I’m not snapping.  Don’t take the statement in that way.  I’m just saying, when you’re not moving forward, it chips away at your self-esteem and all the confidence in the world that you’d had before.  Yes, the self-esteem issue, the physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion are real.

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These next three months — January, February and March, if I’m not shown the door — will be extremely trying.  The stress is not healthy.  I had these knots in my stomach for now five years, and this is no way to live.  I’m surprised I don’t have an ulcer.

I worked three days already in 2013 and already I’m ranting.  I’m repeating the more modern, not original, version of the Serenity Prayer over and over.

Man, new year, same old sh*t.  Not a good way to start. smh.

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Special Note, Sunday, January 6, 2013 (12:00 noon):  No sooner do I publish this post, I jump on Twitter hours later and see an article shared by Black Girl in Maine who I follow.  Remember what I said above in the statement that begins, “If there’s anything the last five years has taught me…”?  Then how coincidental is this?  ”Job skills gap?  Skeptics say factors tell another story: The author says companies don’t invest in the work force and demand more that ever from job applicants, including a willingness to accept insufficient wages.“