Tag Archives: new year

Man, new year, same old sh*t. Not a good way to start. smh.

Posted on by
4
Photo Credit: freeHDwallpapers.in

Photo Credit: freeHDwallpapers.in

With what amounted to 12 days away from the office, I wasn’t necessarily ready to return  to the daily grind on Wednesday, but at some point, I’d have to.  Better to treat it as a Band-Aid and ripping it off, rather than peeling it off slowly, right?   It made no sense to delay the inevitable by putting it off until the second week of January.

Unfortunately,  a dark cloud from 2012 followed me right into the new year.  Things are already tense in the office with one of the chief executives.  So incredibly tense that I thought to myself:

The writing’s on the wall.  I’m not sure I’m going to have a job for long here — and they may just let me go.

It’s almost too difficult put it out into the universe because I have this fear that if I put it out there, it will come.

It’s no secret how I feel about my ex-bosses, both of whom held the position I hold as chief marketing person.  They got away with a whole lotta sh*t.  I’ll just leave it at that because if I say anymore, it will be vicious.  Anyway, after yet another tense exchange with said executive, I was just sick to my stomach.  How many times do I have go through dealing with someone who feels they have all the answers?  How many times must I have someone tell me what I know to be true isn’t?  How many times do I have feel like the job that I’m supposed to be doing has watered down to pretty much being a glorified f*cking secretary?  I feel my worth is like the worst currency.  I feel no trust.  None.  I’m not given respect as a professional with experience in a particular area, I’m just their go-to-gal that they have to do what they say when they say that gets paid — no questions asked.  Sh*t, only a whore works like that.  I’m not walking around with an advanced degree trying to be a whore.  I sacrificed too much to put myself through school for this craziness.

During a texting exchange with a cousin about the overall problems I was facing at the office, it brought up memories of the numerous all-nighters I pulled while pursuing my degrees.  Unlike the execs I’m working for who seem to know it all and are so desperate to chip away at my spirit and are determined to show me up in front of other execs to boost their egos, The West Indian Mother could not afford to assist with educational expenses — although she supported in many other ways.  I worked full time.  I went to school full-time.  I would never, ever suggest doing that.  It practically killed me.  You have zero time for friends, none to take care of yourself, you’re basically existing, going through the motions, like on autopilot.  But, I was possessed and determined.  I was a nightmarish Type A New Yorker.  And I need to put up with this sh*t?  There has got to be another way!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I’ve been struggling with my updating my resume — absolutely struggling.  I refuse to use a resume service.  Hundreds of dollars and I don’t care what they say, it isn’t worth it.  The dollars I have in my pocket are the dollars I’m going to keep.  I plunk down hundreds of dollars, then what?  Does it guarantee a job?  No. It doesn’t even guarantee someone would even respond to the resume for me to even get an interview.  Trust me.  If there’s anything the last five years has taught me, there are a lot of extremely qualified individuals out there with say, 90%+ of what a company would have jumped at 6 – 10 years ago, but now turn up their noses because they don’t have everything.  Companies can’t be bothered to train prospective employees or waste time for them to get through a learning curve no matter how small.  Yes, I realize these times are tough for employees and employers, and the money isn’t flowing like it used to, but c’mon, you want me to work for how much less???  How do I pay for the roof over my head and the utility bills?  I’m not taking frivolous purchasing, I’m talking about basic living expenses.  I still need to get to work?  How do I pay for transportation?  You want me to do more with less both at work and in life, but I look around and there are still many at the top, including executives I work for, with their “homes in the country” and two annual vacations, and their wives staying home?  GTFOOH.  Ridiculous.

The hope I had about working with a career coach, well, that fizzled as quickly as it came.  I contacted the woman, we had what I thought was a great 30-minute conversation, she promised to send me an e-mail with information about, among other things, her rates.  I’m still waiting.  So, I’ve decided to reach out to an industry colleague who just a few weeks ago started a new job.  Her ability to get a job that had nothing to do with temporary retail work for the holidays is inspiring.  There is hope. Yes, there is.  Maybe she could give me pointers.

I’m holding off on contacting my industry mentor.  There’s no way I could arrange a follow-up meeting without showing up with a revised resume based on the thoughts she’d suggested during our first meeting  now months ago pre-Hurricane Sandy.  Also, the last thing I need right now is yet another person saying, “You really need to get out of there.”  Um, yes, I know.  I’m trying.  Saying that to a person feels like salt in the wound after the 100th time.  I’m not snapping.  Don’t take the statement in that way.  I’m just saying, when you’re not moving forward, it chips away at your self-esteem and all the confidence in the world that you’d had before.  Yes, the self-esteem issue, the physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion are real.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

These next three months — January, February and March, if I’m not shown the door — will be extremely trying.  The stress is not healthy.  I had these knots in my stomach for now five years, and this is no way to live.  I’m surprised I don’t have an ulcer.

I worked three days already in 2013 and already I’m ranting.  I’m repeating the more modern, not original, version of the Serenity Prayer over and over.

Man, new year, same old sh*t.  Not a good way to start. smh.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Special Note, Sunday, January 6, 2013 (12:00 noon):  No sooner do I publish this post, I jump on Twitter hours later and see an article shared by Black Girl in Maine who I follow.  Remember what I said above in the statement that begins, “If there’s anything the last five years has taught me…”?  Then how coincidental is this?  ”Job skills gap?  Skeptics say factors tell another story: The author says companies don’t invest in the work force and demand more that ever from job applicants, including a willingness to accept insufficient wages.“

Looking Back: 2012…What a disappointment.

Posted on by
4

With only days left in 2012, I’m in the midst of an honest assessment of what transpired for me this year, where my life is versus where I hoped it would be — you know, the whole “standing in my truth” thing?

I do two assessments annually.  One at the end of the year.  Another around my birthday.  I’ve been doing this for so many years, I can’t even remember when it started.  My slightly Type A and OCD personality probably has something to do with this very stressful and highly anxiety-ridden activity.

So, what do I pick apart?

  1. Personal Life
  2. Family (and Friends)
  3. Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Health
  4. Career, Job and Employment
  5. Financial Well-Being

The biggest blows were numbers 3, 4 and 5.  But, for the focus of this post, 4 and 5 are the most worrisome, and therefore got me typing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This has been the absolute worst year in my adult life in my career at my employer.  And yes, I know for those who are unemployed, I should thank my lucky stars that I have a job.  Of course, I am thankful.  However, employed or not, you will wonder if all the aggravation and unhappiness is really worth it.  Why am I working here?  Why am I working with these people?  Why can’t I move forward?  Am I truly stuck here forever?  Am I becoming at my employer what I always looked at other co-workers and said I would never be: A lifer?

I’m like a broken record, but I’ll say it again.  I know this whole marketing thing is really suited for me.  I didn’t choose the wrong career.  It’s not like I’m a marketing professional but I’ve secretly wanted to be a proctologist or a supermodel.  The skills I have really are simpatico with being a marketing professional.  The creativity, mixing it up in strategy sessions coupled with being in the right environment — seriously, I have visions of myself soaring in my career.  This year — like so many other years — I’d hoped to have been settled elsewhere and well on my way to being in love with what I’m doing and excited about going to work and engaging with extraordinary professionals.  Obviously, I’m delusional.

I’ve tried a career coach (within the past three years), and I’m ready to try again.  I’ve gotten myself a mentor — again.  In a second go-around, I’ll be serving on the board of directors of one of my professional associations, which will afford opportunities to “give back” and broaden my Rolodex.  I’ve attended networking events.  I’ve done professional self-improvement courses.  I’ve read countless articles.  I’ve even read the freaking book, The Secret.  I’ve been to church and prayed on it.  I’ve meditated.  I’ve been doing hypnosis for months.  I have done everything except burned incense and called Iyanla to fix my life (although I have watched countless Life Classes on OWN).  But, nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

Even with all those things, I wait eagerly for another year because I think one day something positive will happen and things will begin to change for the better.  (Seriously, I must be delusional.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

2012 was The Great Economic Disaster.   I spent, I spent, I spent.  And I paid for it.  I can be quite the bargain-hunter and penny-pincher and proud of it, but this year, I went gang-busters in the entertainment, food and nonsense department.  I couldn’t resist.  Living Social and Groupon were my friends.  They were also the enemy in the food department.  A good 3- or 4-course meal deal multiplied several times over lead me to the poor house — full in the stomach, but broke.  I also did what most New Yorkers don’t do:  Patronize Broadway.  No wonder The Great White Way depends on tourists.  They’re the only ones with disposable income!  They’ve been planning and prepping for their visit to The Big Apple, saving spending money for things like Broadway shows.  Incredibly, I spent hundreds of dollars at the box office and I had to question my behavior.

After the train wreck of 2012, it’s back to a strict budget across all line items —  including food.  In 2013, no more obsessive ‘foodie’ adventures — no sir…no ma’am.  Any Living Social coupons and Groupons already in my possession will be used, but none will be purchased without careful scrutiny and perhaps a voice of reason from an outside source like Momma Rockstar a.k.a. the BFF.  Somehow, I lost my mind (and my way) and forgot that we were still in a major economic downturn and my employment is not secure.  Why I thought I could be doing dinners and lunches regularly is beyond me.  (No, I won’t stop going to food trucks.  Those have some of the most amazing kitchens on wheels and are often great value for the money.)  Why I thought I could afford major, unplanned expenses, like multiple Broadway performances, is also beyond comprehension.  When I finally came to my senses, I was weeks away from the holidays of Thanksgiving and Chrismakwanzika.  There are just no words to explain away irresponsibility.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We wait in great anticipation for the new year.  Even if it’s all in our heads, a new year gives us an opportunity to start fresh, to make things right, and hope is abundant. You shake off bad habits on December 31st, and January 1st you take your first, new step, guilt free.

Unfortunately, there is this thing called Life.  What’s the saying?  ”The road is paved with all good intentions”?  We seek accomplishments or change but our human self gets distracted and off-track.  Not bad if you consider them little things, but if you’re looking at five big things that are essential for all that is good, right and healthy in you life that makes you feel like you are successful, then Houston, there is a problem, and you’d better snap out of it and regain focus.  Because, before you know it, it’s December 31st again, and you’re left thinking:  ”What a disappointment.”